This is not going to be just a running post – but since it’s a running blog, I’ll start with the run.

7.5 miles in 1:18, done Galloway style (9:1, for what it’s worth).

It was good – my hip acted out on my 5 mile run on Tuesday, so I didn’t do anything on Wednesday or Thursday to nip it in the bud. Last night I cross trained – so my total miles for the week are around… 12.5 *annoyed face*. Unless I run on the TM tomorrow at the gym – which I might. In the grand scheme of things, I’m not sure how much of a difference 3 miles will make. If they will/do, can someone please let me know? Kthx.

Now on to the part that’s been rattling around in my head for a while.

Truth.

I am a master at lying to myself, and it’s been one of my goals to stop telling the lies that I try to use to make myself ok. These were some of the older lies:

“If I weigh ###, my life will be better and I will be happy.”
“If I do xx, that person will be nicer to me.”
“[That food] will make me fat. Even just a bite.”
“It was my fault.”
“I’m ok with being treated like crap”
& so on & so forth.

But  none of it was ok. This may sound like  psychological bulls**t, but I’m a psych major so you’ll have to deal with it. The truth is, it was not ok and running was one of the things I had set up to numb the problems and the pain. I was, in a very real way, running away from the problems in my life. Eventually, I learned that I had to stop running away – I had to deal with my problems or nothing would get better or change. So I did face a lot of the problems and things got better. I thought I was ‘fixed’.

Aha, not so fast.

My hip gave out on a run on Tuesday, and my world – my self image, my sanity – it all slowly crumbled inside me in a ridiculous fashion. In my logical mind, I knew that I just had to be kind to myself and rest and it would be ok. But my illogical mind wanted to run away and throw itself into running, not thinking – and it couldn’t, so it decided to throw a damn fit.

So here’s the truth:

I’m dealing with a lot right now and I am pissed about it. But that’s not getting me anywhere.
I sometimes hate my body with such rage that it scares even me. That’s not getting me anywhere either.
Running away will not fix anything – running can help me handle it, but not facing my problems will just give me more problems.

So now I’m holding myself accountable – to learn to run but not run away

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